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Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.