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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Bitch Iām not insulting you, Iām describing you.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Iām looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.