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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.