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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.