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I just called. To say. I texted you.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?