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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Does this status update make me look fat?
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
I want to sleep tighter
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.