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Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?