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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.