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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
Running behind is my cardio.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.