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This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic