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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
only 9530 days until retirement.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.