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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
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My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.