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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"