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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards