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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.