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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.