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I just love having sex with you...Next time I hope you are there with me.
Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
Iām just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.