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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?