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363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
only fights if pillows are present.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.