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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.