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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah`s witnesses of the internet.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second