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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally