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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
I put the PRO in inappropriate!