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Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Life`s too short for Salad..............
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?