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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome