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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
Insert coin to view my status message.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
My innocent look never works in the nude.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.