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it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.