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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.