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You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?