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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!