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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.