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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.