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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.