Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.