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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.