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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
I always advise people never to give advice.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.