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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Reincarnation is my only hope.