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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Finally got my Bon Jovi Sat Nav working... Wooahh we`re half way there.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?