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I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.