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I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.