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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Own the day
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.