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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?