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When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…