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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Multitasking? Iām not even good at unitasking.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?