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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.