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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.