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Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.