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I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!