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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......