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I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Marriage is for quitters
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought Iād take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.