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Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
This patience thing takes forever.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.