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“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Gun Control: Use both hands
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s