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I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.