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Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces ...
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.