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happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
"May the 4th" be with you!
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Real friends show me their boobs
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.