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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.