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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading