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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Gun Control: Use both hands
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon