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Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.