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I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
I give myself the best presents.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.