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I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.