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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.