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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.