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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.