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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.