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Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!