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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.