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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Please don`t hastag out loud...
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.