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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.