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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.