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I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.