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Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
You can`t be late until you show up
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species