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Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.