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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?