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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
The older I get the better I used to be.